A couple of weeks ago, I did my yearly physical and heard those words that all men over 50 will eventually hear - time to have a colonoscopy. Well, I thought I knew what there was to know about a colonoscopy - after all, 2 or 3 years ago - I saw Billy Connolly describe his colonoscopy at Masey Hall here in Toronto. I damn near died laughing during his routine on this nasty little procedure. When I just viewed the clip again on YouTube, I was literally crying, I was laughing so hard. Well, I thought, anything that funny can't be too bad.
So, modify my diet for a few days leading up to the big day, then fast all day the day before. Get home after work, rip open and mix the first 1 litre out of 4 of Klean-Prep. No problem I think, drink 4 liters of this shit between 6PM and 11PM. I chug back the first 250 ml glass, and think Christ, nasty stuff. A few minutes latter, I start to drink the second glass and the gag reflex kicks in. I think it took me at least 15 minutes to force it down. After that, it got even tougher. I have never had to drink anything like that. It just made me gag. About half way through the second litre, I puked up about 250ml, and then had to clean up the mess in the kitchen, and start drink this crap again. Can you imagine? Just nasty! By midnight, I had got down 3 1/2 litres, I was shivering and woozy, and really at my wits end. At that point, I really no longer gave a damn. I tossed the last half litre out, and headed to bed.
If you already watched the Billy Connolly video, then there is no need for me to describe the bowel activity which had been going on since about 7PM. If you want to know - listen to Billy describe it - he tells it better than I ever can! Suffice it say, all night I was in bed for 15 minutes and then off to the can again. By around 5 AM, I was at the oily discharge state Billy describes so well, and fricking exhausted.
The good news in the rest of the story is straightforward. Arrive at the clinic in the morning, lay down on the bed with my pants down to my knees, joke with the doctor about Lou Rawls Colonoscopy Exam, then the anaesthesiologist stuck me with the magic needle, and the next semi-coherent thought I have is as someone walks me to the recovery room from the little room where I guess my anal cherry had been successfully popped! Note how Klean-prep changes your perception? After Klean-Prep, laying on a table with your pants around your knees while three people, one of them female, work a meter and a half of tube up your ass is just not a big deal even after the happy needle wears off.
A half hour latter, we take the elevator down to the ground floor, and walk outside into a sea of police barricades and cameras. Christ, I think, it was big news to me, but I did not expect my colonoscopy to make the news. Turns out, it did not - the building where the clinic is, is also the one that many of you in Canada will have heard of because of the fact that Toronto Cops Had to Capture Doe a Deer the other morning.
By mid-afternoon, I felt fairly recovered. Like I said, the colonoscpy itself is not too bad. But I will never again willingly drink that horrible Klean-Prep shit.
Klean-Prep was invented by a devil out of hell.
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